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How I Realized I'm a Hoarder, Hiding As a Perfectionist

December 20, 2017

Scene: 8pm on a Tuesday, mid December.  After a somewhat mentally exhausting day at the office, I decide it's a perfectly opportune time to burn some midnight oil on my own side hustle. I grab my laptop and sit down on my bed, because my desktop is littered with papers, books, chargers, and crystals. Yes, crystals. I feel a sudden urge of panic. I know I have a lot of work to do to prepare for an upcoming course launch, but I'm paralyzed by not knowing where to begin.

 

I take a deep breath and look around. 

 

To my right, on the floor -- a post-it note pad, a journal, and a list of motivational quotes. 

 

To my left, on the corner of my bed -- a stack of 7 library books I picked up last night as research for the aforementioned course. 

 

Further to my left, on my dresser -- more stacks of crystals, a half assembled altar and receipts I need to record and file. 

 

In front of me, next to my desk -- piles upon piles of half completed to-do lists, reminders I've jotted down on scraps of papers, print-outs from conferences, and notes from my last two yoga teacher trainings

 

I once heard a quote, the state of your home (or room) is the state of your mind.  And here it is, I am surrounded by clutter. The truth suddenly became crystal (pun intended) clear. 

 

I'm a hoarder. Of lists, quotes, articles, books, information.

 

Confession: I'm a perfectionist, disguised as a hoarder.  Because I immediately reached for my post-it notes to scribble a reminder to myself to write a blog post about this A-HA moment. The problem is that deep down, I knew that the post-it note would get lost in the abyss of papers, and the blog post would never get written -- because the truth is that this messy bedroom is my hiding place. 

 

My need for constant activity and crossing off lists gives me a false sense of busyness, without productive action.  My unsatiable desire for more information and research masks the underlying limiting belief of not being good enough, not smart enough, not credentialed enough... you name it, it's there lurking beneath the surface.  

 

And here I am, rather than working on my course launch, I'm cleaning out months and years (gasp, I found lists from 2012!!) of clutter and paperwork. 

 

Herein lies the beauty - by witnessing and accepting (without judgement) this shadow side of my Self, I create the space for healing.  Tonight I shone a light on the shadow, I became and I took action. I wrote this blog instead of a post-it note reminder to blog. 

 

Truth: I'm a recovering perfectionist. 

 

 

What about you? Where are you hiding? 

 

 

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